I used to hate yoga. The very idea of being alone with my breath- my body- was unnerving. I was clunky. Detached. Breath. Hollow. Thoughts repetitive. I couldn’t get the postures right. The poses. Hands mismatched and the stillness was suffocating.
It was this time in my life where it would have been most beneficial to dive in.
I have a need for perfection. Well. Had. But still have. It’s a journey.
I created this blog- this workspace- at a time when I most needed it. When words failed and I couldn’t press my toes into the ground to cause movement or action- when I was stagnant and halted and so stilted and silent. When it was either give up or get going. And so I decided to get gone. To force action. To force breath.
And so I did. For a while. Hands to paper. Fingers meet keys.
It was at this time that I sat on my knees with a canvas in front of me. All white. All clean. And I thought how to begin? I had never painted before. Never drawn. And mostly whenever the thought presented itself I found myself thinking how dare you? how dare you think you can do that? now I think how dare I not let myself try?
And so it is. 4 years and dozens of canvases later.
Sometimes you just have to pinch your nose and close your eyes and scrunch up your mouth so tight that there is no space and just throw yourself over the edge. Into the darkness. So there is only you in the abyss.
Figure it out. Because you will. And when you were in grade school and the teacher said There are no wrong questions. She was right. There aren’t. And that is all art is. A series of questions. And we are all qualified to ask them. We should all be brave enough to open our mouths and add a voice to the sounds and declare ourselves lost and then begin to ask people for directions. Without them we will just sit down at the beginning of our journeys.
This afternoon I was struggling to keep myself in a particularly difficult yoga pose and the teacher said be thankful for the moments where you are imbalanced. it is in these moments that you take a deep breath and begin again and find just a little more ease.
And that. That is everything.
**photo found here